Memories burble up at the weirdest times

Trigger warning: Birth trauma

It only took me a few years of living in this apartment to realize how much I like sitting in front of the big, double window that overlooks the roaring rapids of the river. It is a great place to just sit & stare & think deep thoughts or no thoughts at all — to just absorb the sounds and observe the ever changing water form. Today I was doing all of the above, sipping my coffee and just letting my mind go.

At such times my mind will burble up the strangest thoughts and long forgotten memories. Out of the blue today came the memory that I was told that “they had to” break my collar bones at birth. Of course I had to immediately Goggle birth injuries. Clavicular breaks are one of the more common birth injuries, but the articles discuss this happening naturally as a result of various issues, such as a big baby, obese mother, malpositioning, etc. I was told I was a good-sized kid. But, what I was told is that “they” (I assume the doctors) broke both my clavicles on purpose to get me out. I tried to search if this was a common procedure way back when, but my search came up empty.

The articles all say these fractures heal quickly. I assume mine did. I wonder, though, what that type of pain and injury, both physical and mental, would have done to a newborn, when that is your first experience of the world. I didn’t have the most attentive or caring or loving of parents (especially my mother, the malignant narcissist), and I suspect I was just left alone in my crib to deal with it. I saw how they raised my five-year younger sister, and doubt my early days were different.

Of course if you are brave and Google things like “lasting effects of a traumatic birth” you will find a deluge of articles. I don’t know what I think about this memory and its implications. I guess, “Throw it on the huge pile of possible mental health stuff.” A quick look at the articles show the trauma could explain some of the clinical depression I’ve experienced since childhood, but then, so could a lot of things.

Time to go back to staring at the river, drink some more coffee, and think about something else.