I’ve had this blog for so long, but it has been open and closed, repeatedly. I go through spurts of near obsessive posting and periods of near absence. I forget what I’ve written and when I did it. I hate repeating myself, but so many posts are so buried. I hate that I feel the need to write a frikkin’ disclaimer on my own blog, ffs, why do I do that? Have I mentioned that a lot of my posts are stream of consciousness writing, even when not under the official guise of Stream of Consciousness Saturday? Have I mentioned how annoying it is that WordPress doesn’t have a spell checker? Even my chat in Second Life has a spell checker!
Anyway, what prompted the above ramble is that the actual subject of this post, should I ever get around to it, is about something I ran across in a YouTube video* and something I’ve both experienced in the past and am doing again. The video discusses, in part, the burned out feeling one can get after a therapy session with a psychologist. I’ve had that severely in the past, where I’ve felt more stirred up and worse than before the session. That generally means, for me, that the session hit something major and changes are afoot. A good thing. But, geez, it feels like crap during the process. The video describes this as a vulnerability hangover.* Yeah. You’ve exposed some tender feeling, some thought, some memory, and the after effect is to yell, “ACK!” and want to curl up in a ball.
I had such a struggle to find any mental health help for years after moving to New England. I’ve written about that, but it was years ago. It is worth another rant, but for another time. Even after having found a clinic, the only one that takes Medicaid, it has been much less than ideal. I’m stuck with whatever therapist I’ve been assigned. Staff comes and goes. I had to fire my last therapist for being a total airhead. That’s another post. I’ve told whoever will listen over there that I feel I’ve been lost in the cracks there, always a great feeling when you are having difficulties. Now I have an interim therapist, who usually does intake and doesn’t normally see clients! Funny thing is, she seems to be trying harder than my actual therapists I’ve been assigned.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and Complex-PTSD. It is severe enough that I receive Disability income from it. And yet… (and yes I mean to yell) NO THERAPIST HERE HAS EVER ADDRESSED IT WITH ME! I mean, ffs. And for a variety of reasons, I didn’t realize all of the ways it has been impacting my life. That’s another post. Gee, I have a whole lineup of posts now.
C-PTSD has greatly been affecting my life in some pretty drastic, subterranean ways. This gradually came to my attention, starting around November 2020, after my second hospital stay in a month. October 2020 was the start of my personal 2020 Hell. 2020 was hell for a lot of people, in a lot of ways, at various times. October started mine. With those new traumas, and my reactions to them, I started becoming aware of, “Huh, I feel like I’m reacting to something else instead of [insert mundane thing here].”
My interim therapist, partially because I’ve been very assertive with “there are things that need attention!,” suggested a book for me that I think is going to be a total game changer. This is another post topic. I’ve done more work on my PTSD from the first 30 pages of this book than I have since being diagnosed years ago (which, I guess since being diagnosed I’ve had nearly zero attention paid to that diagnosis, “doing more work” isn’t that big of a deal). With that work comes the vulnerability hangover. Oh. My. Gawd. I’m feeling run over by a MAC truck! Backed over, too. For someone who has thought, “Regardless of everything else, at least I have a good mind, that processes well,” the realization of “not so much… trauma really fucks things up in lots of stupid ways” has been horrifying. Illuminating but horrifying.
This blog has been about mental health in the past. I even have a menu tab for it. Sorry not sorry to the 496 people who have hit “follow” because of a tag I had on a post from a few months ago that has attracted tons of fake followers, the KETO bloggers. This blog has never been about the KETO diet or special, manipulative ways to improve your business or blog traffic! Of course, now I want to put a KETO tag on this post just to drive my numbers up. I can be such a grumpy, petulant child. Some of my actual, real followers from eons ago may remember discussions I’ve had about mental health. Strap in folks, we may have some topics coming up!
Before this vulnerability hangover hit, I had planning on delving back into this blog’s archives. The shelves need dusting. It needs some Marie Kondo-ing. I thought about bringing forward some of the older posts, perhaps with some hefty editing. MmHm. That might happen.
*If you wish to hear the portion regarding vulnerability hangover, start at about 8:00 minutes in for context, and at about 9:02 she starts talking about the hangover effect. The whole question she’s addressing goes from about 8:00 to 17:05-ish.