Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “flag.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!
I’ve been trying to keep up with a weekly to-do list, which I wrote about earlier. Results have been mixed. For several weeks I’ve had some fairly major calls to make, all to government offices: Medicare, DHHS, and the DMV. Now, most normal people would get a shiver or two running up and down their spines at the thought of having to deal with a government agency. Three of them? Yeah. Well, me too. That is why those phone calls were put off and put off and put off and… for the love of gawd make the damn calls s’ready.
So Monday I did. I made ALL the calls. The first to the DMV, because I thought that would be easiest. You know, to kind of ease into the big dogs. “Your call is important to us…” the automated responder droned. “You are now… forty… seventh… in line.” Did you hear me as I applied my head solidly to my desk?
Eventually, all the calls were made on Monday. Next steps scheduled. I felt pleased with myself, but I also felt… off. Something was wrong. I couldn’t understand it or describe it. Then, later, in an Internet chat with a friend, things got weird. Things that shouldn’t have been upsetting were. I finally figured out that I was having an unusual, for me, bout of Complex-PTSD. My “normal” C-PTSD symptoms manifest differently from what happened on Monday. Normally I can flag things as “anxiety” or “depression” or “triggered by and so acting wonky” but not this time.
What started out as sincerely a lot of energy to git er done has had the week ending with flagging interest and waning energy. I just want to nap.
The C-PTSD stuff wasn’t fun (understatement), but in a my-life-as-a-science-experiment sort of way it was interesting. I now know to look out for this other kind of reaction. I know it can last for days, as opposed to my normally shorter-lived reactions (like panic attacks). I’m still feeling some of the affects. Since I have to drive about an hour away next week, on an expired driver’s license, to the DMV to get my license renewed, the anxiety is already building. I hope it doesn’t push another episode onto me. At least this time I’ll be watching for it, and taking measures to prevent it happening.
I won’t bore you with why those calls triggered the C-PTSD. There’s a certain sense to it. Now I know such things can be red flags for me. That’s useful information.