Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “instructions.” Write instructions for anything you know how to do. As detailed or as rambling as you’d like. Enjoy!
Instructions for: Wearing eyeglasses while farsighted and with annoying hair. Working subtitle: Has anyone seen my glasses?
There are several subsets of glasses wearers who will never need these instructions, like most males, and probably people under a certain age. If, however, you are of my tribe…
- Step one: Be farsighted.
- Step two: Hate bifocals, progressive or otherwise. Don’t even think about trifocals.
- Step three: Have many pairs of “readers” because.
See, the thing with being farsighted is that you only need to be wearing those glasses when you are reading or working on the computer. If you are just walking around the house, wearing your glasses just makes everything blurry. So you take them off, you set them down where you won’t forget them. You forget where that is, hence the need for Step Three.
- Step four: Have hair that needs to be cut but don’t get around to having it cut. Pretend you are letting it grow out on purpose, as a style. This will give you annoying little frizzles that get into your eyes and bug your face.
- Step five: Sometimes wear a headband for the annoying hair.
- Step six: Sometimes use the eyeglasses as a headband.
Your head can’t tell the difference in pressure between a headband and the eyeglasses, this is key in these instructions.
- Step seven: Get done reading something so that you no longer need your glasses to see well. Shove the glasses on top of your head, so they are now acting as your headband.
- Step eight: Walk around for a while. Do things that don’t require wearing glasses. Forget you have glasses on top of your head because your head is relaying the message you are wearing an actual headband.
- Step nine: Go back to an activity where you need your glasses. Locate another pair of glasses but make sure they have a super light frame. This is critical. They should weigh next to nothing.
- Step ten: Finish that reading activity. Shove the super light glasses on top of your head, like a headband. Your head is still registering the first pair as a headband, and so now you have convinced yourself (momentarily) that you are wearing a headband and glasses on top of your head.
- Step eleven: Forget that the second pair of glasses are up there. They are so light that they don’t register as existing. The only pressure that is registering is the first pair of glasses, which your brain is still reporting as a headband.
- Step twelve: Go back to reading something. This will make you search for another pair of glasses. You will find a pair, in some strange spot that you’ll have forgotten why you put them there. Maybe on top of the microwave.
- Step thirteen: Finish reading, shove your glasses up to the top of your head, only to feel two pairs of glasses up there already! Now you are wearing three pairs of glasses as a headband.
- Step fourteen: Tell no one. Be thankful you live alone. Leave each pair of glasses in a different location, but make sure they are logical locations where you’ll remember where you put them. Maybe one should go on top of the microwave.
(I had no idea what I was going to write about, and then, well, this might possibly have happened to a friend of mine.)