When things get too difficult, I have the chronic inclination to hide. That may include running and hiding. There are many ways to hide. The most common for me is to go silent. I become unavailable. I close blogs. I’m starting to go into that mode now, and instead of going with the urge, I’m popping my head up to state what is going on.

My unemployment benefits end around April 1. That’s going to be here before you know it. I’ve been actively looking for work. There’s very little here that I can do, but I’ve applied. I have had several interviews, including second interviews, but, obviously, not hired. Honestly, I doubt I would hire me either. My knees are so bad, I don’t look healthy. Because of the stupid frequency of being laid-off (or whatever), my resume looks weird. And then there’s my age, when you put that with my knees… I look like a health insurance risk, the one who would raise everyone’s rates. (In case you didn’t know, that happens.)

Then I find out that merely by being on unemployment, that is a big strike against me for getting disability. If you think about it, it kind of makes sense. By being on unemployment you are saying you are able to work, which is the exact opposite of what you are applying for with disability. On the other hand, if you think about it, wt-actual-f? What are you supposed to do? Then my first assigned disability examiner (one of many, it turns out), told me I should have applied much sooner. Oh, yippee.

Then with this huge clock ticking, it turns out that a time-sensitive bunch of forms the examiner sent to me, didn’t arrive. The folks at SSDI can’t email, due to privacy issues; and so they have to mail everything. I’m assuming the letter was put in the wrong apartment mailbox and the idiot students I share the building with aren’t smart enough or aware enough to just put it in the right box. So much for privacy issues, eh?

I’ve read horror stories about people who have much worse disabilities than I do who can’t get SSDI.

I have no idea what to do. None. So I’m doing what I have been doing: applying for work and getting turned down. If I get an offer, I don’t know what to do because I don’t think I’m able to work any more. I have difficulty walking to my mailbox down the hall, or getting to my car. Simple daily functioning is getting very, very tough. My mental health is shot, which affects my ability to communicate, learn new things, and just function.

I did get the information about some services offered by the Senior Center (sigh), that might help me navigate some of it, or might be able to help should the worst happen (sigh). I’m only sixty, so I don’t know if I qualify for senior! (sigh)

So yes, I want to hide. This “news” has completely wiped me out, again.

12 Comments

  1. My MIL is on disability for having angina and she got denied first (denied for full but approved for partial, which she didn’t want), but then got a disability lawyer and got full disability and back pay. It took a year though, and I know you aren’t able to wait that long, so I really hope they handle shit and approve you quickly.

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    1. That’s the story I keep hearing. It sounds like a “game” except it is fucking with people’s lives. Deny the first round, get a lawyer, then it goes through. And no, I don’t have a year. Sigh. A year ago I had a job that I thought would hold me until retirement. I have been in denial a long time about how bad my knees really are (and my mental health). It’s only been in the last few months that I can admit they really are keeping me from everything: housekeeping, errands, normal daily activities. After April should be interesting. At this moment I have no plans. I’m gathering info but so far nothing has sprung up and said “this.” And yes, I’m still applying for (and not getting past the 2nd interview) jobs. Did I mention “sigh”?

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  2. I wondered where you were. Social Security is notorious for being one big SNAFU. I used to get forms for “my” probationers, where they wanted all the health and psych records, where the parent had to sign releases for all of it. I can remember sending forms to them 3 times before they said they got them. Talk about frustrating! You are pretty much at their mercy and the outcomes are so inconsistent. I’ve heard over and over that they always deny an applicant the first time, then, after all kinds of time goes by, and with an attorney’s help, you get it, with a big lump sum retro payment, but a lot of that goes to the attorney. Hopefully you can hang on until 62 and get regular social security if the SSDI doesn’t come through….

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    1. Thanks. I can’t even think about “until 62” because as soon as the unemployment goes away, I will be totally without funds. Zero. Nada. Long story, but my retirement savings were gone about 10 years ago. I have no family. I have tapped out the only person who can help me financially. I’m looking at homeless.

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  3. Try to resist the urge to run & hide – try the sharing/catharsis thing a bit longer. We may not be able to offer any material support, but we are here to try to act as a listening post & to occasionally offer advice and commiseration.

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    1. Thanks Carol Anne. I know there is a community here. I may not be aware of all of the members, because a lot of people don’t “like” or comment, but I know they are there. That you are there. Sometimes, that’s the best medicine (apart from a windfall of lots of $$$)

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    1. I have a ways to go before I get into the neighborhood of positive, but I’m doing what I can. I appreciate the folks in the blogosphere community, some I’ve “known” for years and some just recently. I can’t promise no hiding, but so far, I’m here, sort of.

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