Some of you know that I closed this blog in September 2018. I reopened it again a few months later. That wasn’t the first time I have shuttered my blog.

I love to write. I sometimes need to write. I need to shove things out of my head, heart, gut, spirit and get it out “there” somewhere or else it foments internally to ugly results. Sometimes I can’t muster a word. For some reason, Linda Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday has been a constant for me. I can write that, and so even when this blog was closed, I participated in SoCS on another blog, This Just SoCS. When I reopened wtf Am I On About Now? I kept This just SoCS.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had more than one active blog going at the same time. Over the years I have had blogs dedicated to single subjects: Second Life, mental health, baking, creative writing, and general interest. For the most part, the single subject blogs are very difficult to maintain. They are all part of me, none of them are all of me.

When I had the mental health blog, I would write prolifically and then not at all. Mental health issues have always been with me, but they are not all I am. Sometimes that subject is first and foremost in my life, at other times it is just a little sub-whisper of an appearance.

wtf Am I On About Now? was supposed to be a “fuck it, this is where I write about everything” blog. I outed my Second Life avatar to being the M. Oniker alias. I wish I could just drop the aliases altogether, but I cannot. It would pose a problem in looking for work, or having a job. I also have one, very tenacious, malignant narcissist of a troll from Second Life (and its small group of troll enablers) that could make my real life even more of a mess. Combining my Second Life avatar with this blog just made my writing life easier.

I’ve gained followers to wtf Am I On About Now? when I’ve written very candidly about my mental health issues. I’ve lost people for the same reason. Depending on when people decide to follow, what mood I’m in, after a few posts there is bound to be a surprise. “Wait? Wut? I thought this was a fun, tongue-in-cheek blog. Where did all this icky suicidal ideation come from?” Or the reverse. Though, to be honest, the title does sort of explain things. It’s pretty honest: wtf Am I On About Now?

The main reason I shut the blog down in September, and if I recall correctly, at other times, too, is because I felt bad about writing post after post about depression and suicidal ideation. I got sick of my own… whining. (Wow, that’s a nice [sarcasm font] bit of self criticism there.) The writing became more flagellation and less catharsis. I also felt guilty for subjecting others to it. Being around depressed people is work.

Except, part of me did not feel guilty about it. Part of me thinks that more people need to write more candidly about mental health issues. As a society, I think a lot of us want to pat ourselves on the back about how we are becoming more aware of things like mental health, but we really aren’t. There is still stigma. There is still bigotry, fear and hatred. There is still ignorance.

I get help from reading other people’s mental health blogs. There is some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Until I don’t get comfort. Sometimes reading other people’s struggles makes me more depressed, and I have to stop. Just like I have to stop writing about it in my own blog(s).

My mental health has been in a deep, downward spiral for at least a decade. Situational circumstances have marched in and stomped “regular” depression into a huge pit. Since mid-2018 my condition has gotten to a very critical spot. I’m probably at the lowest I’ve ever been. I know I’m not even at the bottom yet. I drop a pebble into the well. I’m so far down that well that I can no longer see the sky. I clutch the dank rope ladder that allowed my descent, and that released pebble takes a while before it clatters to the bottom. I have no energy for the climb up. I no longer know if up is possible, or if I even want to any more. I just know right now I’m on the rope.

I want to write about it. I don’t want to write about it. I wonder if setting up another blog, dedicated to mental health, is the answer. Then again, I worked pretty hard to stop having so many blogs (it is confusing and exhausting and makes me feel guilty when a blog goes fallow for a while). I wish I had the personality and brilliance of someone like Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, to combine mental and physical health concerns into something uplifting. I don’t.

I’ve never really wanted to write for an audience. I think once you start writing for someone else you start putting on rules, limits and censors to your writing. I’m thrilled when people follow, even more when they comment, but I’ve often said that I’ll never have a lot of followers because I have different motivation for writing. That said, I tend to be a people pleaser (which most people don’t realize, because I hide it well). So, yeah, audience plays a part.

That’s where my little bloggy thoughts are right now: what to write, how much to write, and where to write it.

8 Comments

  1. One semi-misanthrope’s opinion – Keep writing (at least when you are mentally able) – in the long run, I’ve found expressing things to be more useful than burying (most of the time, that is). Living with mental health issues – your own or anyone else’s does take work, but so does pretty much everything else. Although we like the ‘likes’ & the count of ‘views’ – and the comments – we blog mostly for ourselves. Sometimes our readers, like the other humans we encounter, need to see that we, like everyone else, have multiple facets. No one is one dimensional (although for some people that can be hard to tell). Certainly not everyone reading your blog is going to like, agree with, or care about, everything you write, but since nothing will make everyone else happy at the same time, it’s perfectly reasonable to do whatever makes your life easier. For me, that would be one blog, multiple topics (but I also don’t post as often).
    Of course, from a purely selfish perspective, keeping this blog going makes following you easier for me.
    On a separate note – hope the weather wasn’t as bad as forecast.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You consider yourself to be a semi-misanthrope? I find that a bit shocking. The misanthropy is not evident in your postings.

      I appreciate your comments. They made me think (ow).

      Looking out my window, I would guess we have a little under a foot in two days. According to weatherstreet though, we received 16-17 inches. That still isn’t the 2-3 feet we were warned about, although the higher elevations did get significantly higher totals. I don’t have to leave the apartment until Wednesday, and I’m sticking to that! 🙂 Hope your pizza and brownies held you through.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have a highly conflicted relationship with humanity. I’m not truly misanthropic in that I don’t hate most people all of the time, but I do dislike and distrust most people most of the time (hence the ‘semi’). I think that human nature is man’s worst enemy. But I also retain traces of my youthful idealism, and as a senior I’m finding it increasingly important to try to make our own place a better one. The idealist hopes that the rippling out theory hold true.
        Stay warm!

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    1. I love you, you know that right? I haven’t been able to muster up the energy or desire to go into SL after I lost my watery world due to lack of funding. 😦 Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Oh gawd, I just did that over-emotional ‘merican thing to a Brit. Stiff upper lip there, girl.

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