Some of you know that I closed this blog in September 2018. I reopened it again a few months later. That wasn’t the first time I have shuttered my blog.
I love to write. I sometimes need to write. I need to shove things out of my head, heart, gut, spirit and get it out “there” somewhere or else it foments internally to ugly results. Sometimes I can’t muster a word. For some reason, Linda Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday has been a constant for me. I can write that, and so even when this blog was closed, I participated in SoCS on another blog, This Just SoCS. When I reopened wtf Am I On About Now? I kept This just SoCS.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had more than one active blog going at the same time. Over the years I have had blogs dedicated to single subjects: Second Life, mental health, baking, creative writing, and general interest. For the most part, the single subject blogs are very difficult to maintain. They are all part of me, none of them are all of me.
When I had the mental health blog, I would write prolifically and then not at all. Mental health issues have always been with me, but they are not all I am. Sometimes that subject is first and foremost in my life, at other times it is just a little sub-whisper of an appearance.
wtf Am I On About Now? was supposed to be a “fuck it, this is where I write about everything” blog. I outed my Second Life avatar to being the M. Oniker alias. I wish I could just drop the aliases altogether, but I cannot. It would pose a problem in looking for work, or having a job. I also have one, very tenacious, malignant narcissist of a troll from Second Life (and its small group of troll enablers) that could make my real life even more of a mess. Combining my Second Life avatar with this blog just made my writing life easier.
I’ve gained followers to wtf Am I On About Now? when I’ve written very candidly about my mental health issues. I’ve lost people for the same reason. Depending on when people decide to follow, what mood I’m in, after a few posts there is bound to be a surprise. “Wait? Wut? I thought this was a fun, tongue-in-cheek blog. Where did all this icky suicidal ideation come from?” Or the reverse. Though, to be honest, the title does sort of explain things. It’s pretty honest: wtf Am I On About Now?
The main reason I shut the blog down in September, and if I recall correctly, at other times, too, is because I felt bad about writing post after post about depression and suicidal ideation. I got sick of my own… whining. (Wow, that’s a nice [sarcasm font] bit of self criticism there.) The writing became more flagellation and less catharsis. I also felt guilty for subjecting others to it. Being around depressed people is work.
Except, part of me did not feel guilty about it. Part of me thinks that more people need to write more candidly about mental health issues. As a society, I think a lot of us want to pat ourselves on the back about how we are becoming more aware of things like mental health, but we really aren’t. There is still stigma. There is still bigotry, fear and hatred. There is still ignorance.
I get help from reading other people’s mental health blogs. There is some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. Until I don’t get comfort. Sometimes reading other people’s struggles makes me more depressed, and I have to stop. Just like I have to stop writing about it in my own blog(s).
My mental health has been in a deep, downward spiral for at least a decade. Situational circumstances have marched in and stomped “regular” depression into a huge pit. Since mid-2018 my condition has gotten to a very critical spot. I’m probably at the lowest I’ve ever been. I know I’m not even at the bottom yet. I drop a pebble into the well. I’m so far down that well that I can no longer see the sky. I clutch the dank rope ladder that allowed my descent, and that released pebble takes a while before it clatters to the bottom. I have no energy for the climb up. I no longer know if up is possible, or if I even want to any more. I just know right now I’m on the rope.
I want to write about it. I don’t want to write about it. I wonder if setting up another blog, dedicated to mental health, is the answer. Then again, I worked pretty hard to stop having so many blogs (it is confusing and exhausting and makes me feel guilty when a blog goes fallow for a while). I wish I had the personality and brilliance of someone like Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, to combine mental and physical health concerns into something uplifting. I don’t.
I’ve never really wanted to write for an audience. I think once you start writing for someone else you start putting on rules, limits and censors to your writing. I’m thrilled when people follow, even more when they comment, but I’ve often said that I’ll never have a lot of followers because I have different motivation for writing. That said, I tend to be a people pleaser (which most people don’t realize, because I hide it well). So, yeah, audience plays a part.
That’s where my little bloggy thoughts are right now: what to write, how much to write, and where to write it.